MY BARRENNESS .. MY FRUITFULNESS — Belen Pereras

This is the testimony of BELEN PERERAS, North District A, 69 years old, Theology professor at the University of Sto. Tomas (UST) for 41 years.

Orphaned at the tender age of 5, I and my 3 siblings were raised by an aunt and a grandmother whose matriarchal orientation estranged our young widowed father from us. Resigned to his helplessness to raise his children single-handedly, he left us to the care of the two “superwomen”. He however managed to steal time to bond with me,  the apple of his eye. This strong and loving relationship with my father is the image of the solid foundation of my relationship with God as Father.

During my last year in high school, a bilateral oophorectomy or removal of both ovaries rendered me biologically unable to bear a child. This barrenness caused in me a dominant and haunting pain. I felt deprived of what seemed to matter most to a woman. Suffering from poor health, I was sent to Baguio for my college education at the Saint Louis University where I was eventually offered a Philosophy teaching job. It was there where I formed beautiful friendships with Beling Plata Lansang and Linda Zablan de Lara, both of whom would later be with me in Ligaya. Together with a few outstanding CICM (Congregation of the Immaculate Heart of Mary) priest-mentors and ICM nuns, I found nourishment for my insatiable hunger for the True, the Beautiful and the Good. My solid basics on such concepts as Genuine Freedom, Human Dignity side by side with Responsibility, Social Justice, and Holistic Human Values found their way into my heart. I enjoyed being raised up by a Father God who was faithfully seeing me through. My father image took on a Divine Reality – a lovely blossoming time in my spiritual life.

However this Father’s gracious agenda soon took some frightening turns. In the mid 60s,  adventurous and self-propelled, I started taking on “radical ideas” which eventually caused me to be gracefully terminated together with 19 young radical teachers. Shortly after, my father died. About the same time too, my comfort zone was disturbed by the grave financial loss orchestrated by close relatives. Such chain of losses shook my material security rooted in self-gratification. Totally devastated, I could hardly move on. Spiritual paralysis set in. My barrenness took on much deeper roots.

Moving to Manila in 1969, the University of Santo Tomas (UST) Faculty of Engineering graciously welcomed me to its fold. I am presently on my 41^st year with UST teaching Theology. My classes looked more like Literature ones embellished with Christian doctrines here and there. But deep down I was hungering for authenticity.

In 1979 after arriving from a few weeks’ stay in Ann Arbor, Michigan for exposure to community life, I sensed the Lord speaking to me about my complaint regarding my biological barrenness: “Look at you! You think it was for nothing that you lost your ovaries in high school? You think I didn’t know what I was about with you? You think you’re not special to Me?!” The lovely exchange of smiles between the Lord and me that moment in my life, I’ll never forget. After that, I committed to Him to live single for Him – truly a grand turning point in my life!

Sincere in my quest for an authentic life, I chose to end a 4-year relationship which was on its way to becoming a lifetime commitment. The price I paid for it was the hollowing-out of my heart, I was completely crushed. Operating from a self-based, self-oriented, and self-righteous stance, I was on my way to inevitable self-destruction. But I was too blind, too numb, too angry to see, too proud to admit it. Laughing on the outside but crying in the inside, I stood out as someone who had it all together. A budding Pharisee had been born. Not knowing any better, my spirituality was all in my head. My barrenness got to be more concrete and more clearly defined.

Looking back, I realize God was writing straight in crooked lines 35 years earlier. With my heart hollowed-out, I sensed an infilling taking place. But I had no idea what it was and how it was to come. I just knew the message of Romans 8:28 was true – there is no such thing as an accident.  “Everything works for the good of those who love God, those who are called according to His plan”. There was hope. I felt disposed for the Better Part. 

In 1974, Thielma Martinez successfully trapped me into “seeing for myself” what the Lord was doing at the Assumption prayer meetings. Too weak to resist, I gave in to her persistence just so she’d stop pestering me with her “do you have a personal relationship with God…who is Jesus Christ to you?” probing questions. What I saw struck me hard. How can something so corny say something life-giving to my barren heart?

But certain things caught and held my attention: Fr. Herb, at the center and assisted by 2 La Salle boys (Mike Joseph and Arben Visenio) who were enthusiastically strumming their guitars, leading the group in vibrant worship and action songs; a couple, Larry and Priscy Gamboa, who claimed they encountered the Lord in Ann Arbor, Michigan and who came home to witness to their phenomenal experience; another couple Vic and Agnes Gutierrez who were so passionate in their service they turned their backs on their successful corporate careers. Not to mention the other leaders and members fussing to see that everyone had a ride home! The joyful experience was so glaring, it rubbed off on me.

Notwithstanding my initial positive experiences of community, I felt I couldn’t talk about Jesus to my students. How could I?! I did not know how to proceed with my life. The only way I knew was my way, my barren way.

Alone in my room one night, I thought I was seeing myself wading in water. Before me lay a vast, unknown ocean. Sensing that I was being shown what lay ahead of me, I decided not to go on in my journey with the Lord. I preferred to go back to my old life where I was in full control, freer and things were predictable. But God was in control. A book I’ve been reading on the 5 loaves and 2 fish, which struck me earlier, came strongly to my heart. I knew instinctively that the Lord was inviting me to take the next step. “What do you have there?”, He seemed to be asking me. I replied, “Lord, you know what I have: sin, weaknesses, self-centeredness – GARBAGE! You have gifted me with so much but I’ve wasted it all away!”. The Lord said, “Give it all to Me, it’s all you have anyway.” Lifting up my hands, I said, “Here, Lord!”. That was my first time to know what surrendering means! I ended up having a good laugh with the Lord that night.

After that turning point, I was never the same again. The Lord truly multiplied my 5 loaves and 2 fish to feed many. I marvel at the way He worked His way into the hearts of my students and fellow teachers. What Ligaya was feeding me with I passed on to my classes. Emulating Fr. Herb, I did things the way he did, spoke the way he spoke, and focused on what he focused on. And it worked well. My students were so fired up that we were quite a sight to behold as we indefatigably moved from one venue to another for our weekly prayer meetings. Soon, Ilaw ng Panginoon was born. 

Belen Pereras (R) -- 34 years with Ligaya, and counting

Another milestone in my early walk with the Lord was when He revealed to me why I am Belen by name. I am a “crib” destined to cuddle babies in Him, to take care of those who are taking their first steps towards Him. To the young of today, I uncompromisingly declare the unalterable truth: “God is God. He created you, He redeemed you, He is still with you now. Stand by that truth at all cost. Whatever will ground you more firmly in the Kingdom values, pursue it! Saying no to Jesus’ invitation leads only to one thing – sadness.”

A couple of Ligaya leaders, Mike Joseph and Francis Iturralde, were God’s provision to Ilaw. They came around to disciple some promising students among whom were the late Rogel Plata, Ching Achas, Glen Garcia and others who are among our present passionate leaders in community. The young were so on fire, such that a new phenomenon came into existence – classroom evangelization became a common practice in school.  The Christian joy in serving was unmistakably flourishing and started to be part of the nurturing God gifted us with. The rest of UST was wondering what the Engineering people were up to this time. Has the Frat Menace taken on a new form?! God’s movement could not be ignored.

What now can one say? As in the 5 loaves and 2 fish episode, I can only proclaim in radical trust: “You are an Infinite God, Perfect Love, and I am finite and sinful. Do have Your way Lord, for in You I live and move and have my being. Lord, I am truly grateful. Thank you for having called me to Ligaya where You are gloriously raising up a people whom You have blessed with all that it takes to live for the praise of Your glory!” ”.

These days as I reflect on our Lord’s words in John 21:18 “Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go”, I confidently declare that the Lord’s central and total involvement in my life and the grace He lavishes upon me is such that should He call me Home any time, any way, any place, His steadfast love will see me through and He will gloriously reveal Himself in His fullness.

- By Belen Pereras (North A) as told to Ging Non, Central E